(No, this story does not involve drugs, but bet that got your attention, huh?)
It was Christmastime 2006 when Mark asked me what my daughter Claire, then 6, would like for Christmas. The answer was easy (and partly selfish) -- whatever CD's you're listening to now. And so arrived Regina Spektor's "Begin to Hope". Claire and I quickly fell in love with it, especially "Hotel Song". Spektor writes beautifully crafted and intelligent songs that charade as catchy pop tunes. "Hotel Song" is a fine example of this and soon Claire was walking around the house singing "a little bag of cocaine, a little bag of cocaine, who's the girl wearing the dress." YIKES! Love the song, but really? I don't think it's appropriate for a kindergartener to be singing this lyric. Hope she's not doing it at school! We had a chat, she stopped singing it out loud (but not listening, I would never demand that). Mark and I got such a great laugh out of that episode. Claire and I saw Regina Spektor live here in Chicago this past Spring. Mark and I hadn't been speaking for quite awhile by then, but when Spektor played "Hotel Song" Claire and I had a special moment remembering her little self 10 years prior and our memories of Mark and what he gave us.
The last few years have been very difficult for me and marked by much heartache in regards to Mark. There were many trips for me to New Jersey in 2013/14/15 to help my brother Paul, and Mark figured prominently in each of those trips, in spirit though rarely in person. Thinking about it now still hurts my heart. And so on flights to and from Chicago, I would listen to certain songs over and over to try to still my mind and heart. One particular Regina Spektor song, and in fact one particular lyric, had renewed interest for me at that time. Forevermore when I listen to it I think of Mark and those hard times. And yet, there is a wistfulness and hopefulness in it as well that kept me forging on then, and does so still now.
As you read, know that Mark put so much of himself into me. As I grew up and we became dear, dear friends - well beyond just siblings - I, too, put so much of myself into him. We walked arm in arm, and indeed it did all get harmed. But even so, I march on because I am still here. And I will try again. Mark taught me about all the most important lessons in life and perseverance was near the top of the list. But the very most important value Mark instilled in me - more than any other human being - was how to love. I love him still and always will. Perseverance and love.
From "On The Radio", by Regina Spektor
"This is how it works:
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath.
"No, this is how it works:
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some--
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again."